Disciplining from afar

It's hard not to think of the stupidest things when you're at the bedside of of someone who is dying. I suppose it's nothing new; probably some sort of protective mode my brain goes into as it shrinks in the face of disaster.

My dad's death is imminent; there's no escape. He's now on morphine and some other pain killer I can't remember, and he's on an electric bed to help with some bedsores. The head nurse told me today that she suspects his lung cancer has metastasized to his bones, because his pain seems so deep. She said she's got no basis to know this for sure, but I tend to agree with her. The cancer center stopped doing scans long ago. What would they do if they found out the cancer had spread, anyway? Operate? Take out his bones? Filet him?

He didn't wake up while I was there after work today. Not really, anyway. Just long enough to say "I love you" to each other. I was surprised he was able to even say that much. And then, Boof! Right back asleep.

If he could die that way, it'd be perfect.

"Your dad is going to have a good death," said Nurse Shawn.
"Interesting combination of words," I said. "Like an oxymoron."
"Not really. Not if you've seen a really bad death," she said.

Oh, yeah. I've seen one of those.

In any case, I stood there alongside his bed, trying to picture his face from when he was a healthy dad, not this dying version. I was studying his nose for quite a long time, thinking about how different it looked now, his nostrils much more pronounced. Or, was it that his nose had gotten so much thinner, along with his whole body? I felt his forehead. His skin seemed taut, stretched over his skull with no padding underneath. My eyes drifted back down to his nose. His head was tilted back, so there was quite a good view of the insides of his nostrils. His lips had a tiny crumb of something in the corner, and I brushed it off.

This is what happens. You lie in your deathbed and people stare up your nose. For Cryin' Out Loud, I told myself. Get a grip!

I can only imagine the Karma that will come with that kind of behavior. Forget about wondering about an afterlife. Maybe a more important question is: Can you get grounded from Heaven?

I can just hear him now.
"Just what the hell were you looking at there?"
"... I dunno. Your nose?"
"But why?"
"I dunno. It was really interesting?"
"Two weeks with no phone. That ought to make you think about your next nasal investigation."

I'm going to make a sign to be hung over my bed when my time comes. "No pointing and laughing. You can do either of them separately, but not together."

Damn good rule. I should try to follow it sometime.